Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
