i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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