i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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