shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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