Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
