So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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