so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
