Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
