I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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