It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Someone came in the potted fern
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
