so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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