The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
