While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
