Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
