every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He did a backflip because drugs
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
