Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
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