Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
