she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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