I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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