Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
handjob tips. give me some.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
