even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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