I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
