guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
