I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
