Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
