paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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