i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
