Whatcha textin bout Willis?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
