First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
