How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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