Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
