Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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