i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's blow job season.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
