I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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