Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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