She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
