You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
