highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
