god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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