last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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