So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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