so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
