Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
