Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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