i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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