I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
