4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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