she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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