One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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