I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
